Nation’s Amateur Skateboarders Haven’t Landed Trick In 12 Years

As reported in The Onion.

“Since 2001, recreational skateboarders have tried to perform 8.4 billion tricks and have successfully executed zero of them,” said social anthropologist and the report’s lead author Richard Burbridge, who confirmed that the overwhelming majority of failed attempts occurred after one of the riders remarked to another, “Hey, check this out.” “As it turns out, not a single amateur has landed anything since July of 2001, when a then 14-year-old boy by the name of Derek Wilcox carried out a basic ollie on an outdoor tennis court in Pasadena. And even then he didn’t get much height.”

– Thanks to KC for the tip.

UPDATE: This just in… Angelina Jolie Stuns In First Rollerblading Competition Since Double Mastectomy. Also via The Onion.