I was going to title this post “It’s reigning Jesus” or “It’s raining (religious) men” but instead I used a quote from an article in the Anchorage Press titled “Excuse me while I kiss the sky.” It’s a heartwarming tale of an 18 year old kid in Anchorage who is fighting the Alaskan weather and racial prejudice on journey to become a professional skateboarder. Sounds like a Hallmark movie. Oh yeah, the whole point of this post is Stephen Baldwin in Russia (!?!) holding a religious-themed skateboard [Source: Perez Hilton] and even better, (Is that possible?) a series of Jesus action figures engaged in Extreme!™ sports, not to mention panhandling (?!) , bull-riding, and in army fatigues(!!?!?!). All this plus a Jesus in skateboarding roundup, or hoedown, if you will, after the jump.
Jesus Action Figures
This came to me via Bartholomew’s notes on religion, a blog hosted at Salon.com. Salon.com is/was the the premier hipster web publication for a while. I heard they had some financial troubles for a while, but I don’t know what their situation is now. Apparently they host blogs too, which gives me an idea. Well, the same idea actually. Anyway, for Christ’s sake, check out these Jesus action figures! Surfing Jesus is called I am Spirit and skating Jesus is called I am Youth.
I don’t know, does a crown of thorns count as a helmet with the pad nannies at a skatepark? As a handrail skater, Jesus is new school, which makes sense considering he’s the star of the New Testament. Moses is more of a vert skater. Dogtown spelled backwards is Godtown. Dang, that should have been the title. My God! My God! Why hast thou for-snakened me? This stuff just writes itslef. Surfing Jesus probably turns the other cheek instead of resorting to blatant localism.
Check out the other Jesus action figures. Precariously perched rock climbing Jesus is called I am Life. Not for long if he doesn’t get a better finger hold. Check out all of them by clicking the pic above, or visiting the web site WeAreFishermen.com. The I am Hope Jesus is holding a sign that says “Will work for food” which makes him just like half the dirty hippies and gutter punks in Portland. Better, actually, cause those guys just want a hand out. I’m sure Jesus’ car just ran out of gas or maybe broke down and all he needs is $5 more for his bus ticket.
Good thing he’s Jesus, because you’d have to be the son of God to pull off that botched ollie he’s got going on there. I know it’s supposed to be a railslide, but it looks more like an ollie to hangup waiting to happen. I hope he’s got Aflac because Yahweh’s other cheek is headed for a faceplant. Prices have not been announced, but an article on AllBusiness says they will be $25-$35, depending on the size. By the way, all joking aside, these are not meant to be a joke. Figures.com has an interview with Eric Dyson, the president of Fishermen, Inc. Which brings us to…
Stephen Baldwin kooks out in Russia.
My wife is obsessed with Perez Hilton’s Hollywood gossip blog, and this is the second skateboard tidbit she’s sent me from Perez. The first one is aging, like a fine wine waiting to be released, but this one was a perfect fit for the Jesus action figures. I think this is a still from Mr Douchebag goes to Moscow.
The word “PIG” was added by Perez himself, he’s kind of like Rain Man that way. I photoshopped out the other one. What is Baldwin doing in Russia holding a skateboard with a quote from the Bible in a punk rock graphic style? I know god loves punk rock and hangin’ loose. So I couldn’t find out any information on this visit except for countless sites that just copied and pasted Perez’ post. I can’t believe there are no other sources. He doesn’t credit the photograph either. He’s got an army of fans out there, and one of them must have snapped it for him. Could that really be it?
Maybe Stephen is on a press junket for his new book Unusual Suspect See the Crosswalk article Christianity to the Extreme:
Christianity to the Extreme with an ‘Unusual Suspect’
Actor/author Stephen Baldwin still likes to bungee jump, sky dive and skateboard. These days, however, his biggest thrills come from sharing the Gospel.
Skate Churches. Ho-hum.
The rest of this post is just the usual skate church stories that are more and more common. I couldn’t be bothered to read them. Leave a comment if you find something interesting. I don’t know why I cover this sort of thing anymore. This might be the last of it. A Last Supper of skate ministry coverage. Oh yeah, this is minutely interesting, apparently the skate ministry trend has jumped the puddle to the UK as well. Let’s see, if I had my shit togther I’d post video I have of Lance Mountain reading the bible at a skate demo from around 2000. At first it weirded me out, then it turned me off. Then I got over it. I’m not into Jesus (can you tell?) but I still respect Lance as a skater and human being.
Toledo area churches going to extremes for youth:
Toledo Blade
They’re coming to northwest Ohio from Australia, Europe, the Pacific Islands, and throughout the United States to play hip-hop and heavy-metal music, perform skateboard and skate tricks, smash bricks, and sway along to tropical dance …
Chance To Freestyle
Canon City Daily Record – Canon City,CO,USA
Sponsored by Unleaded Youth Ministries of the First Southern Baptist
Church, the event will be from 1 to 4 pm Saturday at the Mountain View
Skateboard Park …
Church Army Resource Showcases Skateboarding Evangelist
ChristianToday – London,UK
Church Army will release a new DVD to inspire outreach groups with its
focus on an innovative youth project in Bradford led by a skateboarding
evangelist…
British-Based Skateboarding Evangelist Featured in New DVD and on YouTube
ASSIST News Service
A new, first-of-its-kind DVD features the work of British skateboarding evangelist Andy Milne and the “Sorted” team, working on housing estates, in schools and reaching out to youth in four parishes across Bradford, England. …
Skateboard ministry reaches out to youths on their turf
Asheville Citizen-Times – NC,USA
“It takes practice,” says Grunwell, whose skateboard has seen plenty of
action. “You fall a lot before you get it right.” The ministry has organized trips …
Not just skating
Lodi News-Sentinel – Lodi,CA,USA
Skate ministry members also form a skateboarding team, which may go on
out-of-town skate trips and competitions. McGregor says the skate ministry movement …
11 comments
conahan
Is pan-handling Jesus called I am a bum? Did they ever release the Islamic, Judaic or Buddhist extreme figures?
Hateboard
“the talk” at skate church was the time when we had our “safety meetings” in the car. seemed to work out well until they corner you and ask if you will be coming in for “the talk”. then you just gotta bail instead of watching all the “hardcore” guys you came with start raising their hands to accept jesus in a lame sheepish attempt to fit in to the “scene”. then later you get to watch them do crank and try to fuck underage girls. i guess jesus ok’d these behaviors. skate church is like predatory salvation.
cskate
Does anyone here besides me find irony in the Jesus in fatigues holding the dove of Peace? Thank god Jesus is an American.
Robin and I used to go to the skatechurch in Portland. They booted us for bailing when the prayer sess came around. Robin told them we were Buddhists but they weren’t having it.
cody
nope, never. him or hosoi since he found god.
Conahan
Has anyone ever seen that douche skate? Or does he just walk around holding a skateboard? I had to give up religion, it was cuttting into my skateboarding time.
KONDETI BHUPATHI
dear beloved brother ,i visite your web site.we are working togother.please pray for us. thank you all and god bless.
paige
Didn’t you hear? Rodeo is way more hardcore than skating!
http://www.tmz.com/2007/06/01/baldwin-bucked-up-rushed-to-hospital/
Skate Church
Fuck skate churches man. My friend dragged me to one once. It was the worst skate-related experience of my life, and that includes all instances of road rash etc.
Funny thing is, that was the only place I ever saw a fight break out at a skatepark.
Kilwag (k.ed)
I had to go back to the site to check it out, battle Jesus does have a gun. It looks like football Jesus plays for the Cowboys. (I would have guessed the Saints)
Neil, I was going to spare that reference that only 5 people or would remember, but it’s nice to see it anyway. I’ve still got the lyric sheet for that somewhere.
House of Neil
“God skates, I’ve seen it myself
God skates like no-one else”
blt
Battle Jesus has a rifle hanging on his right shoulder under the cloak.