Darkstar: Batallion

OK, so now we’re reviewing 2 year old DVD’s? WTF? Somebody send us some DVDs!

Right from the start of this I knew I was in trouble. It starts in black and white, with the Darkstar crew all trying to look menacing while smoke billows around them. Instead they just look like some extras from a bad homemade horror movie. Not menacing, merely annoying. And from there it gets worse. I love skateboarding. I love its soul, its variety, the different types of people and the different styles, the speed, the style. This video has none of the above. It has 9 “street” skaters who all look alike (OK, some are black, but they all dress the same), all ride the same setup, and who all do the same fucking tricks on the same fucking obstacles. I’ve got nothing against modern street skating, I really don’t, but make it look interesting and fun. Black Label can do it, Almost can do it. Why can’t you?

To the skaters:

Mike Hastie. rails ledges and ollies of various types. He skates fast and seems very angry. He wears a white tank top and a baseball cap.
Sven Kilchenmann. He wears a white t-shirt and a baseball cap. He ollies to manual a lot. Actually, his part was enjoyable because he actually seems to enjoy skateboarding, and he puts moves together–not a 1 hit wonder.His part is much too long though.
Windsor James. A black kid, but not to worry–white t shirt and baseball cap. More ledges, more stairs and more rails. Even the crew seem bored.

Chris Dobstaff. Oh god. Another kid in baggy pants, a white tank top and a baseball cap. And he’s skating the same obstacles that everybody else has hit 10 times already. Actually, it might be the same footage with a different name slapped on it. Who’d know?
Ryan Kenrich (6) Guy Kampfen. By this time I’d lost consciousness and can’t remember if either one was vaguely original. One guy seemed tall.

Chet Thomas. He’s religious and this is his company I believe. At least he wasn’t skating to rap. He actually has flow and style and it wasn’t all 1-hitters. There was a glimpse of transition.

Gailea Momulu. Oh shit. back to the earlier crap. Say something nice? He’s tall and can ollie high. Is that alright?

They saved the best for last. Paul Machnau. He’s a beast. Superfast and exciting. Goes big on everything. He almost woke me out of the stupor this DVD had induced. But not quite.

And then there’s the interminable credits, when every skater featured has to thank all and sundry. Actually, some of the best skating in the video occurs behind the credits. Go figure.

This is a textbook study in how NOT to make a skate video. get a bunch of guys who all have the same skills, and film them (badly) all hitting the same spots. It’s hardly Animal Chin. Fuck, it’s not even Curb Dogs.

I can’t imagine how anybody would be stoked to put this in and watch it before a session. It is mindnumbing. The rail stuff hammers you over and over again, until by the end it dulls your senses. I give this 1/10, and that’s simply because of Paul Machnau.

Darkstar, you should be ashamed to charge money for this crap.