As reported in The Onion. “Since 2001, recreational skateboarders have tried to perform 8.4 billion tricks and have successfully executed zero of them,” said social anthropologist and the report’s lead author Richard Burbridge, who confirmed that the overwhelming majority of failed attempts occurred after one of the riders remarked to another, “Hey, check this out.” “As it turns out, not a single amateur has landed anything since July of 2001, when a then 14-year-old boy by the name of Derek Wilcox carried out a basic ollie on an outdoor tennis court in Pasadena. And even then he didn’t get much height.” – Thanks to KC for the tip. UPDATE: This just in… Angelina Jolie Stuns In First Rollerblading Competition Since Double Mastectomy. Also via The Onion.

So only one person caught it last week when I re-ran a post on the Onion, and that person wash’t even me. Two things about this side splitter: I wish I had a digital media job, and I will ride a longboard to that job if you give it to me. Actually, I ate it once skating back from Starbucks from a break. For the love of Hosoi, don’t let an intern be your photo editor. As lousy as that poorly cropped photo is, the rest of the Onion story makes up for it. – Thanks to Josh and Greg for the tip.

From the Onion, truly America’s greatest news source. I heard a piece about the Onion on NPR’s This American Life. As interesting as it was, it kind of sucked the joy out of it a little. Reminded me of a science fiction story I read where scientists analyzed humor and discovered the actual cause of what made people laugh, at which point nothing was funny to anyone, anywhere, anymore. What was the name of that story? Anyone? [Source: Westway]

Get some, so you can get some. I swiped this photo from the Onion. The click through is worth not blowing the punch line.

Still funny after all these years. The Onion takes a serious look at the dangers of getting stoked. Turn volume down if you’re at work. [Source: EPM]