Posted by:on January 23rd, 2007
The last time I had to swing a skateboard in self-defense, it wasn’t against a rapist, murderer, pedophile and escaped convict like Theodore “T-Bag” Bagwell. It was against a group of asshole jocks that jumped me and a friend once while skating down a street. It was 6 on 2, and they ended up letting us be. I was in high school at the time. This young man looks like he’s junior high age at best. He clocks T-Bag pretty hard in the side of the head, but T-Bag is like pit bull, he just keeps coming. You have to kill him to stop him. Seriously, he’s not that big, and he’s had his hand cut off, sewn back on by a vet with no anesthesia, and then had to pull it off by hand again, all in the space of a couple of weeks. He should be dead or dying from gangrene by now. I don’t know, maybe my judgement is clouded since I should have better things to do than digitizing a 5 second clips of a guy getting hit on the head with a skateboard on the TV show Prison Break. Watch the video and and follow an assortment of skateboard assault links including another pedophile, a Jesus abduction and fat Canadians in the news after the jump.
This aint no Ozzy and Harriet, but Theodore wants his family back, under severe mental distress or otherwise.
During his first tenure in prison, T-Bag belonged to the Alliance for Purity. Here’s a little ditty about a racially motivated crowd attacking a couple of women with a skateboard, and several funnier items.
Beating case now in judge’s hands
From the Press Telegram in Long Beach California:
All 10 minors are charged with felony assault. A hate-crime enhancement was added to eight of the 10 minors’ charges, stemming from witness and victim testimony that the youths yelled racial slurs as they pelted the victims with newspapers, fruit and pumpkins, then beat them with fists, feet, a skateboard and tree branches.
In honor of T-Bag’s pedophilia. Instead of “Come here kid. Do you want some candy?” more sophisticated kidnappers are hip to what kids really want.
Possible Abduction Attempt In Dunes West
ABC News 4 of Charleston South Carolina reports:
“He said, I think someone put a skateboard in the back of my truck, do you want to take a look at it and see if it’s yours? My friend Austin walked up to see it. I said no, stay back. Then he pulled to the side and said let me get out and show you and we said no, we don’t own a skateboard,” says Dominic Armstrong. Dominic’s description of the man who approached him is similar to several other near abductions reported here in Mount Pleasant.
Speaking of child molesters, Gary Indiana is where Michael Jackson was born. It’s also where some skateboarders stole Baby Jesus from a nativity scene. maybe they were just planning on starting another skate ministry. Great headline.
Jesus snatched from nativity
Gary Post Tribune – Gary, Indiana:
The baby Jesus from Nativity of Our Savior Catholic Church’s outdoor nativity display in Portage had an adventure Tuesday, the day after his birth was celebrated around the world. Soon after, an off-duty police officer stopped three boys who were skateboarding a short distance away, south of the church. After questioning the boys, police found the baby Jesus, and returned it to the church.
Because T-Bag escaped from prison, here’s a heartwarming tale about a youth entering the system on his glorious road to rehabilitation, and buggering.
Skateboard assault earns teen prison time
Adrian Daily Telegram of Adrian, Michigan reports:
Xavien Santiago Gauna admitted smashing an Onsted teen in the face with a skateboard this summer, putting the victim in a hospital intensive care unit.
According to the Fox show bio, Bagwell was cited multiple times for cruelty to animals. This story has rabbit murdering and a skateboard assault. Yee haw!
Man charged with killing rabbit, threatening wife
From the WTNH – Bridgeport, Connecticut:
Police said the wife told officers Finelli had become drunk, yelled at their three young children and hit her in the arm with a skateboard. She said he threatened to bite her and had then strangled the rabbit.
Lesser crimes all of these, but you have to start somewhere.
8:10 am | Robber escapes … on skateboard
Charlotte Observer in Charlotte, North Carolina:
A skateboard robber got away with a man’s wallet during an incident Thursday evening at a south Charlotte store, police say.According to police, a man told them he was walking in the parking lot when a man on a skateboard, wearing a black hoodie and khaki pants, stopped him and took the victim’s wallet by force. The attacker then fled on the skateboard.
They’ve even got problems (and slow news days) across the pond in the U.K., Not to mention woolly jumpers. Is that anything like a Detroit Steamer? I don’t want to know.
Appeal after car damaged by skateboard carrying youth
From the Avon and Somerset Constabulary in Taunton, somewhere in the U.K.:
A group of youths then began to cross, with most walking behind the Citroen. An unknown male from within the group then struck the front offside of the Citroen with a skateboard which he was carrying.The driver confronted the youth, but the offender then made off with the rest of the group across Vivary Park.The youth is described as white, aged 16 to 18 years old, 5ft 10ins tall and wearing a brown knitted, woolly hat with matching brown jumper.
This one is all eyewitness report. It sounds like the stereotypical skateboard assault of decades past. I know it’s not supposed to be funny, but it can only imagine it in cartoon form when I think about it.
Skateboarding is not a crime… …ASSAULT IS!
From the Solid Surf UK in Southport, England’s MySpace blog:
On Saturday 11th November, a skater collided with an elderly lady at the end of Cambridge Arcade, outside the shoe shop. The lady was knocked over and suffered shock and a badly cut leg. The skater made no attempt to stop and offer help, just made off. This lady was on a day trip to the town and was left highly distressed and bleeding heavily. She is sure to be very vocal about the incident.
And lastly… Do Canadians have husky clerks, or clerks that work at Husky?. It doesn’t matter, just remember that if Canadian skateboarder asks you for a cigarette, you’d do well to fork one over. They say that trying to quit can make you irritable.
RCMP seek assault suspect
From the Comox Valley Record in Comox Valley Canada. Province?
A young male who assaulted a Husky clerk with a skateboard is wanted by Comox Valley Mounties. According to Hunter, the suspect was harassing customers for cigarettes Jan. 11 at the Husky on Cliffe Avenue and Mansfield Drive at about 7:15 p.m. “When he was challenged,” reports Hunter, (he) hit one of their employees on the back with a skateboard.”
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